How do you find the strength to go on?
Dear Spirit,
How do I find the strength to keep going? I am a first-generation immigrant in America waiting for my paperwork to be settled with the Immigration Services. And oh my, It’s such a long process that has lasted for almost 7 years and keeps going. Scientists say our cells regenerate on average every 7 years. So biologically speaking, the me who kicked off the immigration process 7 years ago and the me today are completely different people. Spiritually speaking, I shook off some serious trauma, and made peace with my family and childhood; I gained faith and got in touch more with who I am as a person. I started to have new inspirations and wanted to explore the new me who had been suppressed for so many years. I started to dream about a life completely different from the one I have now, a life track set in stone 7 years ago kicked off by a person I can hardly recognize.
However, the train that was set on track keeps going and I find myself trapped by the immigration process. It kept pouring hateful policies under the Trump administration and has continued to say “No comments” and “Keep waiting” after those turbulent four years. My life is on pause because of a piece of paperwork.
There are so many things I want to do but I am not allowed to as an “alien” in the promised land that’s supposed to be “free”. Every day I am holding a burning passion inside but it has nowhere to go. I feel terribly stuck. I used to think that as long as I was patient enough, worked hard enough, and continued to work around the system, then this horrible feeling would eventually go away. However, it didn’t and kept getting stronger as I witnessed so many opportunities slipping through my fingers. Dear Spirit, where can I find hope and strength to keep going while all routes seem to be exhausted?
self
Dear self,
Instead of asking “Where can I find hope and strength to keep going while all routes seem to be exhausted?”, what you are essentially asking here is “How do I navigate life when the old one is dying while the new one is yet to come? “ or “How do I remain comfortable when the old me is shedding yet the new me is still emerging?”
In your complicated teen years, you liked to read Haruki Murakami and contemplate his words:
“If there is a hard, high wall and an egg that breaks against it, no matter how right the wall or how wrong the egg, I will stand on the side of the egg. Why? Because each of us is an egg, a unique soul enclosed in a fragile egg. Each of us is confronting a high wall. The high wall is the system that forces us to do the things we would not ordinarily see fit to do as individuals . . . We are all human beings, individuals, fragile eggs. We have no hope against the wall: it's too high, too dark, too cold.”
I wish you could hold space and have compassion for yourself, as you are the egg here against the System. You are suffering and it’s very real. You initially thought the System is supposed to protect you, but more often than not it takes on a life of its own. In situations where you feel trapped by the System and exhausted all ways, you must accept the fact that there is nothing you can do against the System, and you have no choice but to stay still, at least right now. What you perceived as stuckness, I’d like to call it Stillness. It is the time between the old reality and sense of identity and the new one. It is in that interim spaciousness that all possibilities, creativity and innovative ideas can come to life and flourish. You must learn to accept it. Yet acceptance doesn’t mean you passively become a slave of the System, it’s to let the experience pass through you without leaving heavy emotional and mental turmoil. Breathe through it, do some body work, punch a sandbag, cry to a dear friend, bake a cake...the more still you are inside, the easier you can get inspiration to move forward.
You feel trapped and frustrated, which are legit feelings but hardly the reality. You have a highly analytical mind which is a blessing and a curse. You are often so good at planning out an “optimal solution” for yourself and get beaten up when life doesn’t match your expectations. You can also easily forget that your optimal path may not be the optimal path in God’s eye. Reflecting on your life, how many times have you reached your goal but the path is so different than you planned? How many times have you waited, prayed, and beaten up on yourself but the manifestation came out better than your best wishes? Be patient, be gentle, and most importantly, have faith.
You uncovered a new layer of yourself and want it to grow and blossom. That’s a beautiful thing. However, life is not like a snake shedding its skin - you cannot immediately abandon your old identity and suddenly embrace a new one. Most of the time, our outside environment shifts gradually to match the self within. And we build our lives, one brick at a time, one layer at a time. Think about how to nurture the new you in the smallest way possible, and how to honor the old you in a loving and gentle way rather than completely pushing it away. Experimenting, integrating, and balancing. You can carve out a pathway that’s unique for you.
When you feel calmer and clearer, let’s keep on going with the rest of Murakami’s words: “To fight the wall, we must join our souls together for warmth, and strength. We must not let the system control us -- create who we are. It is we who created the system.” The System can so easily numb us to our own pain and then make us apathetic toward others' sufferings. The pain within your suffering is part of a great collective chorus crying out for healing, for change, for a better System. So feel, accept, and remember this pain right now, but do not let the System crush your spirit. Learn to ease into navigating this confusing stage where everything seems to be impossible yet possible. Try to preserve yourself. Plant seeds, and be patient. And when the spring comes - shine: for yourself and for thousands like you.
Be kind to yourself,
Self✨
